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Medium 9781576755846

5 The Pattern of Conflict

The Arbiner Institute Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

“Actually,” Avi said, “when our hearts are at war, we not only invite failure, we invest in it. Let me give you an example.

“One Saturday,” he began, “I returned home at about 5:45 p.m., just fifteen minutes before I was to meet a friend for tennis. Problem was, I had also promised my wife, Hannah, that I would mow the lawn.”

There were a few knowing chuckles around the room.

“Well, I raced to the garage, pulled out the lawn mower, and mowed it in a sprint. I then ran back into the house to get dressed for tennis. As I raced past Hannah toward the stairs, I mumbled that I was going to meet my friend Paul for a game of tennis. I was just about to the stairs when Hannah called after me, ‘Are you going to edge?’

“I stopped in my tracks. ‘It doesn’t need edging,’ I said. ‘Not this time.’

“‘I think it does,’ she said.

“‘Oh come on,’ I objected. ‘No one is going to pass our house and say, “Look, Marge, the Rozens didn’t edge!” It isn’t going to happen!’ This didn’t sway her in the least, so I added, ‘Besides, I ran the wheels of the mower up on the cement as I cut around the edges. It looks fine.’

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Medium 9781523084586

The Memo

Bryant, John Hope Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

True power in this world comes from economic independence; this is also your primary protection from social injustice, political manipulation, and profiling.

Nobody can give you economic independence—you must gain it for yourself.

You, and only you, can gain this power from the way that you manage your “inner capital.” This inner capital is made up of your mind-set, relationships, knowledge, and spirit. Financial capital (money or wealth) is a function of how you invest your inner capital.

If you have inner capital, you can never be truly poor. If you lack inner capital, all the money in the world cannot set you free. Once you have satisfied your basic sustenance needs—food, water, health, and a roof over your head—poverty has more to do with your head than your wallet.

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Medium 9781576754511

Step 5: Be Grateful

Klaver, M. Nora Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub


Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues,
but the parent of all the others.

Gratitude is the third applied virtue that transforms us. Even more than the other two virtues of self-compassion and faith, gratitude bolsters us as we make our mayday calls. It braces and supports both self-compassion and faith. By seeing how we’ve already been blessed, it’s easier to believe we will be blessed again. With gratitude in our hearts, all applied virtues come to us more naturally. Cicero was right, gratitude “is the parent of all others.”

While self-compassion compels us to ask for the help we need, and faith centers us as we make our request, gratitude allows us to hear the response with an open heart. We naturally feel grateful hearing a response of yes, but can we feel the same way if the dreaded no is delivered instead? This, then, is the power of gratitude: the prospect of hearing “no” causes us no fear. With gratitude, we will truly be grateful even if a request isn’t fulfilled.

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Medium 9781523094073

2. How Do We Go About Changing?

Fleming, Carol Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub


If you needed to learn a new speech sound to improve your clarity, I would direct your tongue to the right place and posture in your mouth to produce it correctly. Then I’d provide appropriate practice and carry-over activities to keep the sound securely in your articulation repertoire.

If you needed to learn how to give a concise, fluent oral report, I would direct your mind to identify the point of your remarks and the logical structure to introduce and support this idea.

If you needed to develop comfortable and engaging small talk, I would direct your feet to the sunny side of the street. I would get you out of your head and into the spaces where you find other people. For many of you, those other people are on the other side of a wall called social anxiety.

Social anxiety is the fear and stress of being negatively judged and evaluated. It is the brick wall that has kept you from reaching out to others, and it will not fall down on its own. Only direct cognitive-behavioral efforts on your part can break down this wall by changing the brain and its habit patterns. For our purposes, the most effective therapy tool is small talk.

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Medium 9780971435223

Living the Dream

Jed McKenna Wisefool Press PDF
“May I?” she asks, pointing to a chair.

“Please,” I say.

She sits and fidgets. I point the remote at what I assume to be a communication node connected to the stereo in the main house and I lower the volume of the music. Maya sticks her head out from behind the couch to see if anything exciting is happening and slips back behind it.

“Drinks, food, help yourself,” I say, indicating the kitchenette, “there’s limonada. Water, ice, all fine.”

She nods........... See All Chapters
Medium 9781605093512


Reynolds, Marcia Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub
Medium 9781576756300

The Third Breath

Crum, Thomas Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

“Thanks for fixing the tires,” Angus called out as he pulled out of his service station and headed for home. The surprise autumn snow had started to fall an hour before and it was coming down heavily now.

The mechanic watched him drive away. “I think that’s the first time I’ve seen that guy without a frown. He actually talked to us!”

At the first centering light, Angus stared at the “Deep Breaths” card that he had taped to the dashboard. He took a deep Centering Breath. He felt a calmness surround him. Usually blizzard conditions like these would have made him tense and anxious. He let his awareness be open to “seeing” beyond his preoccupations. He just started observing the present moment, just as the old man had suggested. He was soon fascinated by the different shapes of the snowflakes as they hit the windshield. He noticed the patterns the wind made with the falling snow in the headlights. He listened to the sound of his tires driving through the snow, and the rhythm of the wipers.

At another stoplight, he glanced at himself in the rearview mirror. His attention went right to the “worry” wrinkle that Sierra had pointed out. Was it his imagination, or was his brow somewhat less furrowed than usual? He scanned his face and noticed that he naturally had a half-smile on his lips. It kind of took him by surprise. He deliberately frowned, and noticed how his eyes squinched together and the deep furrow returned. Then he breathed a deep breath, and smiled, and the furrow softened even more.

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Medium 9781576755594

2. Recognizing When You’re in Professional Crisis

Caprino, Kathy Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

* * *

You gain strength, courage, and confidence
by every experience in which you really
stop to look fear in the face. You must do the
thing which you think you cannot do

You Learn by Living, 1960

In my work with clients, I have been amazed at women’s depth of denial when things are bad. Women have said to me as we begin our work together that the term “crisis” doesn’t fit their experience, or they feel “uncomfortable” using the word. Then they go on to describe deep pain, fear, a sense of isolation, hopelessness, and a host of other agonizing emotions. Women might say, “I’m just going through a bad patch” or “I’m having a hard time right now,” but when they feel safe, they begin to expose the depth of their unhappiness. This acknowledgment paves the way for a probing new line of self-questioning to emerge. They begin to ask themselves, “You mean I may not have to live like this forever?” This chapter will help you determine if you are in fact experiencing a true professional crisis or simply going through “a tough time.” You’ll learn about the four levels of disempowerment women typically experience and identify which, if any, are problematic for you.

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Medium 9781626566330

7. See with New Eyes, Hear with New Ears

Adams, Marilee G. Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

Authentic listening is not easy. We hear the words, but rarely do we really slow down to listen and to squint with our ears, to hear the emotions, fears, and underlying concerns.

Kevin Cashman

We started our next meeting with a question that had been disturbing me since early in my conversations with Joseph. “Maybe it’s just wishful thinking,” I began, “but given the problems Judger throws our way . . .”

Joseph lifted his hand, signaling me to stop, and replied, “None of us can avoid slipping into Judger from time to time. It’s only human.” Then he smiled enigmatically and added, “But you can free yourself from Judger by simply accepting that part of yourself. Judger is not the problem; it’s how we relate to Judger that makes all the difference. It’s such a simple formula: Judger-Switch-Learner. But nobody can make it work without beginning with acceptance.

“Huh? That doesn’t make sense. How can I be free of something that’s part of me?”

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Medium 9781608682508

31. Take Ownership of Your Work

Jim Donovan New World Library ePub

One practice that has served me well throughout my working life is taking ownership of whatever job I held or task I was performing.

This trait, instilled in me at a young age, is responsible for much of the success I’ve achieved thus far. From my first real job as a teenager busing tables in a restaurant, to my current role as an author, speaker, and trainer, this practice has helped me do the very best job I am capable of every time.

By taking ownership you are, in effect, signing your work, and, as such, you are more inclined to do your best. Many companies realize that empowering their employees and enabling them to take ownership of their job result in enhanced performance. When we feel this kind of pride, whether it’s of a job or our home, we are more likely to pay attention to whatever it is we’re taking ownership of.

If you were the owner of your company and tasked with the job you’re doing, how would you approach the work? What would you do differently? Would you cut corners just to get it done and call it a day? Probably not. You’d be more likely to do your very best and take pride in your accomplishments.

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Medium 9781608681297

CHAPTER SIX: Self-Directed Neuroplasticity

MFT Linda Graham New World Library ePub


Self-Directed Neuroplasticity

To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to go on creating one’s self endlessly.


THE PRACTICES TAUGHT in the previous chapters help you establish a safe and strong neural platform for rewiring conditioned patterns encoded in your brain’s circuitry. Over time, these practices steadily strengthen the prefrontal cortex to do that rewiring and sustain the changes you create in your brain circuitry.

The actual rewiring, and the establishment of new patterns of coping, occurs through the three processes of brain change presented in this chapter: new conditioning, deconditioning, and reconditioning. All three processes can be used again and again as you discover more old strategies that you want to replace with more resilient ways of coping. These processes have a cumulative effect. The more you rewire into your brain skillful, resilient patterns of coping, the more competent your brain becomes at the task.

New conditioning creates new neural pathways in your brain. You learn new, more adaptive coping strategies that will then lead to greater resilience. We know that new experiences, and repeating those experiences, cause neurons in your brain to fire in ways that create and stabilize those neural pathways. To rewire your brain for resilience, you seek out new experiences that you know will encode these more adaptive coping strategies into your brain’s circuitry and repeat them.

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Medium 9781576754511

Chapter 2: Why We Don’t Ask–Really

Klaver, M. Nora Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub


Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Marie Curie

We do not ask for help because we are afraid. Fear is what stops us from looking someone in the eye, admitting a need, and saying the words, “I need your help.”

Anthropologists describe fear as a natural, protective response to potentially dangerous stimuli. Fear kept our ancestors from venturing into caves populated by people-eating lions. Nowadays, it keeps us from venturing into equally dangerous dark alleys. This protective quality of fear is instinctual. The little hairs stand up on our necks and our eyes widen in anticipation of the risk ahead. This primal fear keeps us safe from harm and protects us from the very real and imminent perils that lie ahead.

We have come far from those days of the cave. For most of us, primal fear lies dormant. Metus gravis, or grave fear, is relatively rare. Living lives of comparative safety, few of us experience the cringing terror that accompanies urgent life or death situations. When we do, we rarely think twice about asking—no, screaming—for the help we need. Our instincts kick in and we react immediately to save ourselves. In those situations, the dread of asking for help usually pales in comparison to the heavy fear we feel if our lives are in danger.

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Medium 9781605094113

5 Create Your Own Future

Tracy, Brian Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration.


In more than thirty-three hundred studies of leaders conducted over the years, there is a special quality that stands out, one quality that all great leaders have in common. It is the quality of vision. Leaders have vision. Nonleaders do not.

Earlier I said that perhaps the most important discovery in all of human history is that you become what you think about most of the time. What is it then that leaders think about most of the time? The answer is that leaders think about the future and where they are going and what they can do to get there.

Nonleaders, on the other hand, think about the present and the pleasures and problems of the moment. They think and worry about the past and what has happened that cannot be changed.

We call this leadership quality “future orientation.” Leaders think about the future and what they want to accomplish and where they want to arrive sometime down the road. Leaders think about what they want and what can be done to achieve it. The good news is that when you begin to think about your future as well, you begin to think like a leader, and you will soon get the same results that leaders get.

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Medium 9781576753521

Chapter 8 Become a Generative Leader

Ray, Michael Berrett-Koehler Publishers ePub

I BEGAN THE JOURNEY of writing this book because I realized that something unexpected was happening to people who took our creativity course at Stanford and elsewhere: People who have been through the course seem to blossom, to access some secret source of energy and inspiration. They find new ways to contribute to their organizations, participate in their communities and bring love and energy to their families and friends. They thrive on diversity, fight gracefully and treat others with compassion, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. They go through a transformation that starts with the course and grows as they face life challenges and apply course ideas.

You know now what was happening. Specifically, these people shifted their priorities in life toward the highest goal. They achieved success in normal terms, but they went beyond that. Their quest to experience the highest goal, no matter how they define it, sustains them and energizes them for the tough times. And they can go back to live-withs and other approaches that are found in this book when they run into difficulties or just want to expand their ability to connect with the highest goal.

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Medium 9781608682508

45. Bounce Back

Jim Donovan New World Library ePub

Life happens. It doesn’t matter how positive your attitude is or how balanced and centered you are; there are going to be times when you are knocked down, times when your carefully organized life is turned upside down and you get knocked on your rear end.

You will no doubt experience some type of setback. You may lose your job, you may go through a divorce, your company may move to another city, or any number of other situations may arise that will leave you feeling like you were kicked in the stomach.

Let’s face it. These things happen. They’re part of life, and no matter how you try to explain them away with the idea that “everything happens for a reason,” they hurt. A lot! The pain begins in your heart and radiates throughout your entire being. Repeating positive phrases does not make it stop hurting.

At times like these, you’re going to feel down, even depressed. You’ll probably feel anger or some other manifestation of your pain. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel hurt, sad, angry. You cannot deny pain any more than you can deny fear. The only way through either of them is to give yourself permission to feel the feeling.

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