33 Chapters
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Medium 9781574411836

Slouching toward Zion

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Slouching toward Zion j

I

Thurston Morton was the kind of Baptist who when he said

“thirty-ought-six,” he expected everyone to understand what he meant. Elaine was raised in the Church of Christ and when she said Acts 2:38, she expected everyone to understand what she meant.

However, when Elaine reached puberty she became a Baptist because the Baptist Church had something every night.

Giving Elaine an excuse to go out every night. Best of all, her

Church of Christ parents wanted to hear nothing about Baptist meetings, which meant they would never know where she went or who she was with. When she and Thurston became engaged,

Thurston’s buddies warned him that Elaine had dated every male in Chillicothe. “Chillicothe’s not that big,” he said. Five others, including the halt and the married.

Elaine had proved to be a good wife—silent in church, faithful at work, obedient at home—the way the Good Book said. All she asked was that some day they take a trip and

Thurston promised some day they would.

Thurston worked at the grain elevator in the summer and the gin in the fall and listened to radio preachers who promised that God would prosper him if he would prosper them. And

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Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer?

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer? j

The Lord is going to return very soon, probably before the next election. If your chances of being raptured are greater than those of a pecan pie at a Baptist picnic you need a rapture lawyer. As you rise into glory, what happens to your estate?

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife. What if the rapture comes while you are driving your car, you disappear in the air, and your car goes smash into an X-rated video store?

Your wife is going to the poor house, and your estate is going to a pornographer and pervert.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have given up driving, along with other litigious liabilities, and you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife, children, and grandchildren. What happens if you raised them right, correcting your wife along the way, and they are raptured with you? You may think you will be so happy in heaven with God, the angels, your relatives—including your sainted mother who preceded you—that you won’t care what happens to your estate. Think again. The estate that you spent your life trying to protect from the government is going to be seized by Uncle

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Medium 9781935362593

Holidays

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

The Bobbins’ go all out for the holidays, and somehow manage to make everything quilt-ily festive!

“Bar Gello? Is this some sort of exclusive nightclub for quilters?”

Another exciting New Year’s Eve at the Bobbins’.

Another New Year’s Resoution bites the dust.

Father’s Day at the Bobbins’

Picking Mrs. Bobbins out of a crowd has always been really easy.

A week of late-night quilting has Mrs. Bobbins ready for Halloween.

Another home hit by a growing Halloween menace: quilt gangs.

The Bobbins’ find out that quilt batting is a poor substitute for turkey stuffing.

Camping out online for Cyber Monday is a lot easier than camping out in line for Black Friday

Piece on Earth

Every year as if by magic, the Guild’s holiday party Santa outfit appears, and Mr. Bobbins disappears.

“It could be worse…at least you’re not married to a scrapbooker.”

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Medium 9781935362593

Friends

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Quilting is fun, but it’s triple the fun when good friends are involved!

Quilters Anonymous

Stitch in the Ditch Club

The Quilt ’n’ Quaff Club never actually got around to quilting. Not that anyone cared.

Quilters’ Poker

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The Trouble with Eve

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

The Trouble with Eve j

America was in the third year of a world war. Young Carter was in his first year of confusion over girls. Everything they did was so . . . confusing. When a girl said he had long eyelashes he had rubbed them, not sure whether she meant a loose one was falling into his eye or that he was a sissy. He was sure “You have nice hair,” meant why don’t you wash it sometime and “cutest freckles” meant did all of them survive a washcloth?

When girls looked at him he couldn’t meet their eyes afraid of what his face would show. When they smiled at him he gaped at their lips. Why were their mouths so . . . different?

When they laughed, he fled. He also fled the presence of

Clarissa for fear of what he would do. Fall on the ground and kiss her feet probably.

Clarissa Bowman. Girls had such pretty names. Clarissa.

Bowman. He tasted the words with his mouth. Clarissa Bowman. He was given his mother’s maiden name, Young. Young

Carter. It made him want to cry. Why would anyone name a baby “Young?” It was bad enough being called “kid” when you were fourteen and the country was at war. New teachers called him Carter Young until he corrected them. Men said his name sounded like a law firm or a funeral parlor.

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Chicken Soup for the Damned

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Chicken Soup for the Damned j

Jesus was born in the biggest house with the finest stable in

Bethlehem. His mother was a member of the Daughters of Jericho. His father, Joseph, was a famous hero who drove a stake through the heart of a Palestinian and became CEO of Nazareth

Land Development, employing hundreds of carpenters and masons, creating Mt. Tabor Estates, and reducing the Cedars of

Lebanon to Shittim Wood.

As a boy, Jesus was the best athlete in Galilee, and once, to help his father hide gold while tax collectors slept, with five smooth stones he killed three roosters before they crowed. He also knocked out the eye of a Pharisee’s son but gave the boy a gold coin to replace it.

When he became a man, Jesus used the management skills he learned in his father’s office to assemble a team of adherents who would denounce dissenters, punish the poor, and appropriate the sick in order to enrich themselves. Preaching health, security, and prosperity to all who followed him, Jesus found a hearing wherever he went. Once after he had told them the parable of the Ten Bridesmaids who cornered the market on lamp oil, hangers-on followed him until they were faint. Jesus told them to give him their money and he would give them the secret of everlasting bread. His adherents took the shekels to the nearest McEdonia. Upon their return there was a scramble for the bagels and lox. After they had eaten all they could, they bought all Jesus’ lamp oil at inflated prices. Then Jesus told them the secret of everlasting bread was in the lamp oil of

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Next Year in Oberammergau

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Next Year in Oberammergau j

Winnie Wofford accompanied high school friends to Oklahoma to see the Easter Pageant that began at midnight and ended at dawn, and Winnie was so offended she never went to Oklahoma again. It had gotten bitterly cold in the hours between the baptism of Jesus and his arrest, and Millard Moore offered to share his blanket with her. She accepted because Millard went to the Chillicothe Baptist Church the same as she did.

However, crossing the state line had deranged Millard’s mind and he wanted to cross another line right when Judas betrayed

Jesus to torch-bearing Roman soldiers who arrested him. Jesus, that is.

She arrested Millard, or at least his intention. She told everyone in the car, she told her parents, she told the pastor, she told everyone in school that she had arrested Millard.

When they said she didn’t “arrest” him she went to college and returned to Chillicothe as an English teacher to prove that she did “arrest” him. And when Millard ran for the school board, and the city council, and when he was nominated as a deacon in the Baptist Church she told them again. Her only regret was that she didn’t have the police arrest him.

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Questions Mormons Never Ask

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Questions Mormons

Never Ask j

When we gave up polygamy did we surrender religious principle to secular humanism?

Was the fear of jail the beginning of monogamy?

Why didn’t Brigham Young keep going until he got to California where polygamy is popular? Mormons would be as entrenched in Hollywood as the Church of Scientology.

If marriages made in the Mormon Temple are not until

“death do us part” but forever, isn’t that a long time to spend with one woman? Is it too late to reinstitute polygamy? Is being a Muslim martyr out of the question?

Do women live longer than men because it takes them longer to get ready for anything, even heaven?

If incest is so bad, why did God choose that way for the children of Adam and Eve to reproduce?

Why did it take Southern Baptists so long to understand what Joseph Smith knew before he talked to the angel Moroni?

Wives are to be submissive. It doesn’t matter whether you are wife number one or wife number ten.

When your husband says you are good in bed, does that mean you are number one or number ten?

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Life

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

For Mrs. Bobbins, even when quilting isn’t on her mind, it seems to pop up everywhere!

“I probably should have started this swimsuit project earlier in the year.”

“This pattern is called ‘Double Wedding Ring With Prenup.’”

While Mr. Bobbins was away on business, Mrs. Bobbins took the opportunity to work on her favorite quilting project.

“If I have to spend $16 on a rotary cutter, it had better cut more than just fabric!”

Mrs. Bobbins finds out how much her charm quilt vest looks like honeycomb.

I can tell you’re a quilter by the threads on your shirt.

Mrs. Bobbins’ piecing skills tend to show up in unexpected places.

“I see you found my scraps. Nice piecing, by the way.”

“Quilting or non?”

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Medium 9781574411836

Ten Mistakes that God Has Made

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Ten Mistakes that

God Has Made j

Haskell Gatewood, an evangelist of the Southern Baptist persuasion came to Chillicothe for a revival. After a tour of the churches, school, water tower, and cemetery—the cemetery had the most people in it—he pitched his tent, ready to save folks from sin, sickness, disease, doubt, and Democrats.

Brother Haskell put his tent where downtown used to be, before the general store migrated to Electra, and gathered a crowd by declaring a week of preaching on “Ten Mistakes That

God Has Made.” A sermon on one of God’s mistakes each night of the week and two sermons on the Alpha and Omega Sundays. A large crowd showed up for the meeting, many of the people bringing their own lists of God’s mistakes.

Brother Haskell said the first mistake God made was giving himself too many names. “God” was easy to remember, easy to pronounce, and easy to spell. When God went beyond that, He made a major mistake. Was it Yahweh or Jehovah? No one seemed to know. Those other names, Immanuel, Incarnation,

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Radio WWJS

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Radio WWJS j

Brother McCoy could find no backing for Station WWJS,

“What Would Jesus Say.” He called Brother Harold and enjoyed several minutes of long-distance listening to Jesus rock, sung by Christians who believed intelligibility was gay if not foolhardy. When he explained his problem, Brother Harold offered to sponsor an hour-long show on a local station if McCoy would promote Brother Harold’s products in addition to McCoy’s WWJS bracelets.

Sales of the Bible that bled red ink had slumped. However,

Harold had acquired Bibles that had belonged to heroes and other actors, including the Bible that sanctioned the deaths of more than two hundred German soldiers killed by Audie Murphy, the genuine Gideon Bible that Ronald Reagan included among the weapons he sent to terrorists, the Bible that told

Oliver North how to make crime look patriotic, the Bible that belonged to John Wilkes Booth, inscribed with his dying words, “Tell Mother I died for my country,” the Bible that told

Martin Luther King, Jr. how to die for his country.

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Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting at the Baptist Church

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Wednesday Night Prayer

Meeting at the Baptist Church j

Wednesday night meant prayer meeting at the Chillicothe Baptist Church. Before praying together, Baptists tried to reconcile themselves to one another over ham hock and lima beans, with ice tea and peace cobbler.

First, Brother Wachel announced that he felt pretty good for someone who had a funeral that morning. Next, he identified the larger concerns of the whole church so that folks could pray about it. One of those concerns was the building fund.

“Due to the increased activity of our young people we need to enlarge the nursery,” he said.

No one laughed. No one listened.

Another concern was that Brother Elroy was not fulfilling his role as deacon in charge of visitation. Some of the pew racks did not have visitor cards and some of the pencils in the racks had not been sharpened. The pencils were used by visitors to write their names and addresses on the visitor cards so that the pastor might visit the visitors, usually at mealtime.

Brother Wachel was concerned because some church members used the cards to write notes to each other, prepare grocery lists or share recipes. Teenagers used the pencils to write hymn titles on the cards adding “between the sheets.” “How tedious and tasteless,” “Blest be the tie,” “Fight the good fight,”

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Mission to Mexico

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Mission to Mexico j

I

In Chillicothe, the Baptist Church was pastored by old men on their way to the cemetery or young men on their way to the seminary. Bruce McCoy was on his way from Jerry Falwell’s

Liberty College to Southwestern Baptist Seminary with a layover as pastor of Chillicothe.

McCoy was so young he could make it through an entire

Baptist service, including an invitation to join the church accompanied by every stanza of “Just As I Am” repeated twice, without going to the bathroom. He was so new to the ministry he hadn’t learned to hate the sinner and envy the sin. He was so innocent he thought oral sex was a greater sin than corrupting the Supreme Court, even if the sex partner were as eager to be corrupted as the Supreme Court.

When he was eight-years-old, Bruce McCoy was mightily moved by the story of Nathan the prophet branding King

David, “Thou art the man!” From that moment, “the real McCoy” as he liked to be called, fantasized about condemning his parents, teachers, and the principal. Later it became sales clerks, fast-food employers, and those who worked in college admissions offices. By the time he got to Liberty College, Bruce

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Medium 9781935362593

Mr. Bobbins, Act II

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Curiousity kills the cat…
err, Mr. Bobbins.

In a moment of weakness, Mr. Bobbins considers reading the quilt magazine, little knowing the power he was about to unleash.

Pattern in hand, Mr. Bobbins takes his first solo journey into a quilt shop.

As it turns out, engineers make good quilters. Who knew?

For Mr. Bobbins, the risk of being discovered was part of the thrill of quilting.

Mr. Bobbins avoids discovery with the old trains-in-the-basement ruse.

A complicated quilt pattern has Mr. Bobbins calling for help. Unfortunately, the hotline connects to his wife’s cell phone.

Mr. Bobbins’ secret quilt is discovered.

The problems of a two-quilter household.

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Mr. Bobbins

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Mrs. Bobbins’ DH. He just can’t quite wrap his mind around his wife’s obsession.

“You know, their arms look pretty normal to me.”

Mrs. Bobbins asks her husband to bring her the rotary cutter.

“Mitered corners always do this to her.”

“Oh.THIS fabric stash…”

“This isn’t really what I had in mind when you asked if I wanted to see the fall colors.”

“Oh, your quarters aren’t that fat, dear.”

“Laying out a quilt top over the mess doesn’t count as spring cleaning.”

“People are starting to stare, Dear…”

Some people just aren’t cut out for paper piecing.

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