83 Slices
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Medium 9781741795240

No Food, No Rest, No…

Lonely Planet Lonely Planet ePub

Pico Iyer is the author of several books of ill-starred travel, from Video Night in Kathmandu and The Lady and the Monk to The Global Soul and his most recent work, Sun After Dark. He tries not to travel with his friend Louis, but somehow they have ended up in Cambodia, Haiti, Morocco, Burma, Turkey and far too many other places (not least the Oakland Coliseum) together. On their most recent trip, to Bolivia, they had a car crash at 3500 metres that left one of them gibbering in nonexistent Spanish and the other training furious glances at their errant driver.

I got off the plane in Addis Ababa and there, as in so many airports so often in the past, was my school friend Louis, extending a shaky hand. ‘This place is pure magic’, he assured me. ‘We can go around the whole country with Ethiopian Airlines – the best carrier on the continent – for not much more than a hundred dollars. The plane stops at five major points of interest, and is perfectly suited to people on their first trip here, with limited means.

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Medium 9780615928272

If You Like Pina Coladas

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

frat houses, jail, NRA conventions, church. Accompanying photographs show us whether the person is tall enough, stylish enough, happy enough, adventurous enough or creative enough to take out in public or to procreate with. Online dating should be awesome. But really, it’s not.

After years of reluctance around answering personals in the back pages of my local alt-weekly while humming the desperately awful “Piña Colada/Escape” song, I finally embarked on my first blind date years ago with a guy I met through Friendster.

Joe, as I’ll call him here (because I can’t actually remember–or have mentally blocked–his name) lived in Berkeley, owned his own house, collected art and was well-traveled.

Most importantly, he had good politics and was easy on the eyes. He could construct clever sentences and our online correspondence was lively and interesting. Our first phone conversation was brief, as we decided we’d save all of the

“good stuff ” for our coffee date the following week.

We met in a nearby town that neither of us frequently visited. As I walked into the cafe I knew in an instant that we weren’t a match. All of my hopeful expectations disintegrated as he immediately launched a verbal attack against his ex-girlfriend, non-vegans and old people, while complaining of his hearing loss; the result of too many nights behind the turntable at Oakland raves. His whole body had a mild shake to it, a possible side effect of his high volume caffeine consumption or his unprocessed rage toward the world.

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Medium 9781935362593

Quilt Show

Julia Icenogle Kansas City Star Quilts ePub

Mrs. Bobbins and pals head to the Selvage County Fair for a quilty adventure!

As the deadline approached for the Selvage County Fair, the quilt show night terrors begin to set in.

Quilt Show Panic, Stage Two: The All-Nighter

“Geraldine, when you said you would finish your quilt on the way to the show, I had assumed you’d be further along than that…”

“Hang on, everyone! My GPS just alerted me to a new quilt shop”

The ladies visit the Holy Land.

When it comes to over-buying at the factory outlet, resistance is futile.

“Why, yes, we are here for the quilt show! How did you ever guess?”

“Aren’t you glad we quilted our own name tags? We are really going to stand out!”

“I would complain, but to be honest, I think the low lighting will work to my advantage.”

Mrs. Bobbins subtly tries to influence the quilt show judges.

“Stand back, Geraldine…I’m popping the hatch and this baby’s packed tighter than a black hole.”

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Medium 9781574411836

Questions Catholics Never Ask

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Questions Catholics Never Ask j

When the Virgin Mary visits the earth, why does she always dress like a Muslim?

Other than the halo, how do they know she is the mother of Jesus and not the mother of Mohammed?

How old is that dress any way? It’s unlikely there are any fashion designers in heaven but couldn’t Michaelangelo whip up something? da Vinci?

When the Holy Mother returns, shouldn’t it be “revisitation” rather than “visitation?”

Why is it necessary for the Holy Mother to appear at all if she always has the same message? Love one another? Can’t she think of something that hasn’t been used in soft drink commercials?

If the Secrets of Fatima were important enough for the Holy

Mother to appear on earth to reveal, why did the popes keep them secret until after the events had occurred? Shouldn’t she have appeared again to be sure her message was delivered?

If the pope is the head of the church, why doesn’t the Holy

Mother go directly to him? Doesn’t he listen to women?

What if God and the Virgin Mary got their roles crossed and God spoke to the pope and the Virgin appeared to the president of the Church of Latter Day Saints? Would good

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Medium 9780615928272

Bad Feminist

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

other in so many ridiculous ways. Gallery openings, protest marches, morning cafe rushes, craft fairs, fucking Tot Time with the kids at the local library. Women pick apart other women from head to toe or ignore them completely, even though they’ve met, like, seventeen times. And even though you are standing right fucking there.

“I’m married to a successful civil rights attorney and play in the New York Philharmonic. What do you do?”

“I know. We’ve met a few times. I’m a writer, remember? We met at that charity bike ride and–”

“You don’t have the body of a cyclist at all. And you don’t really look familiar. Have I read your work?”

“Probably not.” You’re too amazing and a way better person than I am. You probably don’t even need to read and just absorb knowledge and worldly wisdom through your perfectly tight pores or your extra- long eyelashes, you evil bitch. My out-of-shape body and I will just go home now and make a voodoo doll with the button I ripped off your purse while you were bragging about your perfect kids.

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Medium 9780615928272

Hired Help

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

have very lazy landlords. Porno mags left on the back of the toilet usually mean it’s a good time to bust out the disposable toilet seat covers tucked in your purse.

The only thing that reveals more about a person than simply dropping by their apartment for a quick martini after a Thursday night Zumba class, is working for them. As a housekeeper.

Housekeepers have up-close-and-personal access to people and their varied and bizarre habits. We catch glimpses of– and sometimes become frighteningly aware of–very intimate details about people. Many are often oblivious of this despite the fact that we are often washing their 8-gazillion count Egyptian cotton sheets and disposing of all of the interesting things they toss into the trash and recycling bins.

We mop up their messes. We make their kids’ beds and organize their bookshelves.

I say “we” even though it is embarrassing to admit–I am one woman in the vast and growing population of housekeepers. I have, and sometimes still do, clean other people’s homes for extra cash.

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Medium 9781741795240

Ignoring the Admiral

Lonely Planet Lonely Planet ePub

Jan Morris, who is Anglo-Welsh and lives in Wales, wrote some forty books before declaring that Trieste and the Meaning of Nowhere (2001) would be her last. Since then The World (2003), a retrospective collection of her work, has been published and she is now working on a long addendum to her allegorical novel Last Letters from Hav (1985), provisionally entitled Hav of the Myrmidons.

Devoted as I am to the ethos of Lonely Planet, I was never a backpacker. ‘The British Navy always travels first class’, Admiral of the Fleet Lord ‘Jacky’ Fisher used to say as he checked into yet another fashionable spa, and I was similarly conditioned during my adolescent years as an officer with the 9th Queen’s Royal Lancers of the British Army. At the end of World War II, when we were not getting messy in our dirty old tanks, we were making sure that we ate at the best restaurants and stayed at the poshest hotels.

Nowhere did we honour Lord Fisher’s axiom more loyally than in Venice, where we happily made the most of our status as members of a victorious occupying army. Many of the best hotels became our officers’ clubs, while the most expensive restaurants were pleased to accept our vastly inflated currency (which we had very likely acquired by selling cigarettes on the black market). And in particular, since all the city’s motorboats had been requisitioned by the military, we rode up and down the Grand Canal, under the Rialto Bridge, over to the Lido, like so many lucky young princes.

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Medium 9781574411836

Onan Comes In From the Cold

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Onan Comes In

From The Cold j

When John was born, his mother said, “It’s a boy.” When Roybal was born, she said, “Another boy.” When John was a child, his mother told friends, “He’s a good boy.” When Roybal was a child, she told strangers, “I wanted another child but not this one.”

In Chillicothe Middle School, John was called Big John.

John liked being called Big John. Roybal was called Roybal and boys stretched it out and accented the last syllable—

Royyyy-bullllll. Roybal hated his name although his mother said he was named after a movie star. When he got to college where there was a library, he discovered the movie star was

Royal Ballet.

In high school Big John made good grades because he was an athlete with boyish charm and joked with his teachers. He never did homework because he was too busy chasing balls, girls, or a good time. He scored high on exams because the smart kids passed him the answers to win his smile.

Roybal made bad grades because he was smarter than his brother or anyone else in his school but he wanted to be liked and the smartest kid was never liked. He never did homework because he already knew all that stuff. He aced exams but his teachers gave him bad grades because they thought he cheated.

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Medium 9781574411836

Next Year in Oberammergau

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Next Year in Oberammergau j

Winnie Wofford accompanied high school friends to Oklahoma to see the Easter Pageant that began at midnight and ended at dawn, and Winnie was so offended she never went to Oklahoma again. It had gotten bitterly cold in the hours between the baptism of Jesus and his arrest, and Millard Moore offered to share his blanket with her. She accepted because Millard went to the Chillicothe Baptist Church the same as she did.

However, crossing the state line had deranged Millard’s mind and he wanted to cross another line right when Judas betrayed

Jesus to torch-bearing Roman soldiers who arrested him. Jesus, that is.

She arrested Millard, or at least his intention. She told everyone in the car, she told her parents, she told the pastor, she told everyone in school that she had arrested Millard.

When they said she didn’t “arrest” him she went to college and returned to Chillicothe as an English teacher to prove that she did “arrest” him. And when Millard ran for the school board, and the city council, and when he was nominated as a deacon in the Baptist Church she told them again. Her only regret was that she didn’t have the police arrest him.

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Medium 9781741795240

Journey to the Centre of the Earth

Lonely Planet Lonely Planet ePub

Born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts, Alana Semuels can’t seem to shake her travel bug. The Harvard University grad has wandered the world from Antigua to Zimbabwe, stopping to teach English in Greece and to work in a clinic in Botswana. Currently a journalist in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Alana looks forward to future travels – and World Series wins by the Red Sox.

So far, yet so near, two persons, one in the Northern Hemisphere, the other in the Southern Hemisphere, may shake hands, kiss each other or embrace while they remain within their respective hemisphere.

– inscription at Mitad del Mundo

If you follow the equator around the globe, you fly over Borneo and the Democratic Republic of Congo and an expanse of ocean so long it is hard to imagine its distance.

Go overland and you might see a peeling sign by a road telling you that you are standing on the equator, but most countries have better things to do than devote their dollars or francs or rupias to an invisible line dividing the world.

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Medium 9781741795240

You Ain’t Seen Nuthin’ Yet

Lonely Planet Lonely Planet ePub

Sean Condon is the author of three travelogues, Sean & David’s Long Drive, Drive Thru America and My ’Dam Life, as well as the novel Film and the humour collection The Secret of Success is a Secret. He currently lives in Melbourne, Australia.

‘You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!’ I supposed that was true enough – we were just a few miles out of the station in Springfield, Massachusetts, on a highway heading towards Vermont – and we hadn’t seen anything you could really call spectacular. ‘Don’t even bother looking out the window, ‘cause you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!’ This was my Uncle Bill, behind the wheel, giving the orders, telling me what I hadn’t seen. What I had not seen so far was a large, crystal-blue lake, lots of trees and the occasional majestic hill with an exclusive girls’ school on top – the usual stuff you don’t see just outside many small cities in northeast America. The thing was, I’d just come from a week in Manhattan, and I liked what I wasn’t seeing. It seemed an eternity since I’d been surrounded by anything other than snarling traffic, looming skyscrapers and impenetrable clubs with majestic girls inside.

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Medium 9781574411836

Mission to Mexico

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Mission to Mexico j

I

In Chillicothe, the Baptist Church was pastored by old men on their way to the cemetery or young men on their way to the seminary. Bruce McCoy was on his way from Jerry Falwell’s

Liberty College to Southwestern Baptist Seminary with a layover as pastor of Chillicothe.

McCoy was so young he could make it through an entire

Baptist service, including an invitation to join the church accompanied by every stanza of “Just As I Am” repeated twice, without going to the bathroom. He was so new to the ministry he hadn’t learned to hate the sinner and envy the sin. He was so innocent he thought oral sex was a greater sin than corrupting the Supreme Court, even if the sex partner were as eager to be corrupted as the Supreme Court.

When he was eight-years-old, Bruce McCoy was mightily moved by the story of Nathan the prophet branding King

David, “Thou art the man!” From that moment, “the real McCoy” as he liked to be called, fantasized about condemning his parents, teachers, and the principal. Later it became sales clerks, fast-food employers, and those who worked in college admissions offices. By the time he got to Liberty College, Bruce

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Medium 9781574411836

Redemption

Robert Flynn University of North Texas Press PDF

Redemption j

Kyle wasn’t ugly. He wasn’t dumb. He wasn’t disliked. He wasn’t anything. That was the problem; Kyle wanted to be someone. He yearned to be admired. What did he have to do to be noticed?

He perfected a dumb look to elicit laughter from classmates when asked a question but no one looked when he did it. The only time he acted up in class he said, “Take advantage of it.”

Cloyce was the only one who heard him and Cloyce repeated it real loud. Everyone looked at Cloyce and laughed, even Miss

Baine who had never smiled at Kyle. They talked about it for days.

Kyle was noticed sometimes but not the way he wanted. He was tall and thin as a shadow so others dubbed him “Slats.” His mother slipped grease into his food causing his nose to erupt in snow capped volcanoes inviting others to tag him “Kilimanjaro.”

He was the last in school to lose the pompadour because long stringy hair was not acceptable at home or school. When he cut his hair short and parted it on the side a tuft stuck up in the back challenging classmates to pull it and crow like a rooster.

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Medium 9780615928272

Rejected Travel Magazine Query:Sex Tourism on a Budget

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

the lower-income brackets of your readership. I think you’d agree that sex tourism is a growing industry with potential to change the world economy while simultaneously eradicating anxiety and depression.

For many of America’s eight-hundred billion heterosexual, single, moderate income women in their thirties and forties, the idea of competing for bed time with the twenty-five semi-eligible bachelors currently residing in the Continental United States is as appealing as cashing in Groupons for colon hydrotherapy singles mixers. Most of us opt out of said group colonic treatments, stay home and masturbate to reruns of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations instead of suffering the humiliation of revealing oneself as one more god damn lonely single woman wading through a sea of perky twenty- somethings, blond hair extensions and kneedeep desperation in search of just a moment’s worth of eye contact, a prolonged handshake or even an elbow in the rib at these crowded, miserable events.

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Medium 9780615928272

One Settled Comfortably InThe Cuckoo’s Nest

Dani Burlison Petals & Bones Press PDF

DANI BURLISON

to yourself and the loved ones nearby, that some level of mental illness has quite possibly set up shop inside of us as well. Some insist that we’re just not trying enough alternative remedies to cure whatever ails us. Something’s wrong?

Fix it! Immediately! Buy something! Or let go of attachments! Change your outlook on life! Manifest the happiness thatresides within! You need a detox diet! Smudge your bedroom with sage! You create your own reality! We’re all supposed to be happy! Everything is so good! We can manifest joy! Try harder!

Sure, some people are “cured” with didgeridoo sound healings, 5-HTP supplements and tapping all over their faces while chanting positive affirmations. That is super great for them, as they are likely not suffering from the gnarly chronic depression and anxiety I’m referring to. For some of us, color therapy and yoga don’t make it go away.

Not that we don’t try. Some of us try everything because we’re afraid of being judged by our “liberal, do-good” communities if we take medication. We undergo hypnotherapy, past life regression, tarot readings. We visit shamans and get acupuncture treatments. We’ll become cyclists, participating in every 100-mile ride we can find, attempting to outride whatever keeps grasping at us with it’s viscous claws. We do eight million sun salutations. We drive two days through the desert to see the Dalai Lama. We borrow our friends’ light therapy boxes, eat mounds of Omega-3 fatty acid-rich food. Sometimes we give up and eat two pounds of bacon in a weekend. We’ll churn our own butter and stand alone in the kitchen devouring it by the spoonful before smearing it onto chocolate cake that we often consume while soaking in the bathtub, reading Pema Chödrön, listening to Iron and

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