7 Chapters
Medium 9781780491103

The child of May ‘68

Touton-Victor, Patricia Karnac Books ePub

Annie had come back to analysis a couple of years earlier. She is the mother of two, married for the second time. She has doubts. What is it she has become? Is there any value to her life as it is at present? She fears it is so distant, so alien from anything she was brought up to aspire to. She is puzzled by the undeniable satisfied ease she experiences as a mother, but she dares not be lured. In parts, she seeks “analytical” validation.

She is recounting a dream. She meets with her mother; her mother denies: she is not a liar; she has never told any lies, surely her daughter knows she does not lie. She, Annie, should be enraged: so many instances of deceit, the complications of a life she had difficulty understanding in her childhood. So many secrets, the hardship of keeping them, as a young girl, and later on, in her adult life too; yet this time she can just walk away, no resentment, no frustration. She wakes up. The dream is over. Her analysis is reaching its end.

Another dream. She is in a bathroom, surrounded by chaotic mess—could it be in her father’s apartment? What can she make of the set of disparate objects scattered on the floor? Some used tampons, a blue cooking pot, fractured in two, more blood on the discarded life support machine her father might no longer need.

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Medium 9781780491103

When time is not of the essence

Touton-Victor, Patricia Karnac Books ePub

In some instances, analysis does not last very long. A genuine analytical experience takes place, yet time is limited from the outset. The outcome is even more unpredictable than customary, and the consequences also remain unpredictable.

I am not thinking of situations when someone does not stay: just a few sessions maybe, a realisation they cannot, or do not want to engage further with that particular analyst, that particular way of considering themselves, or quite simply, life suddenly takes an unexpected turn. What had seemed pressing now appears differently. That person does not come again. They deliver a snippet of their life to your consulting room then omit to return; a forgotten parcel on the platform, only noticed once the train has already left the station.

Ephemeral encounters, not void of consequences one can speculate, but nevertheless they stay largely unknown to the analyst.

* * *

When this man arrived, there was a distinct chance, even a hope on his part he would only be seeking a brief analytical hello, before following his destiny in another country. All the same, I agreed to see him. His plea was intriguing, although I was unsure the framework was sufficient to engage in analytical work.

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Medium 9781780491103

Love. With death? With life?

Touton-Victor, Patricia Karnac Books ePub

She had been living in Paris. One day, out of the blue her analyst of some time, an eminent academic, died. She was shaken and profoundly saddened but on her return to live permanently in England, she made her mind up. She would seek new conversations.

She decided to have analysis with me and her choice was a surprise. Her previous analyst came from such a different background both intellectually and analytically. I found myself intrigued, possibly flattered, yet amazed to be an attractive or likely alternative for this woman.

Soon she started making the journey, twice a week, continuing for several momentous years, and with one momentous interruption.

I doubt my mind was really open at that point. Imagining what she is likely to bring to sessions, I muddy the waters of desire.

My likely failing was to underestimate the leap, largely unconscious, this woman was making in her analytical choice, as if an unrealised necessity, not yet formulated, for a radical difference, was pushing her to meet the unfamiliar she had been finding attractive for a while. Or so it gradually transpired.

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Medium 9781780491103

From two to one

Touton-Victor, Patricia Karnac Books ePub

“Dichotomy: a separation into two divisions that differ widely from, or contradict each other, or the phase of the Moon or a planet when half of its surface appears illuminated by the sun.”

“To dichotomise: to divide something, or become divided, into two classes or groups.”

From two to one. This story unfolds over about three years of weekly meetings and marks the beginning of a reconfiguration of this man’s life.

It started with a feeling of unease and guilt. There are two women involved: the one he is trying to leave, and the one he has recently found anew, a woman whose trace he had never quite lost. They had been lovers, years back. Desire beckons again.

For the first time in his life, he is turning to therapy. Old ways no longer suit him: he is seeking help to facilitate a decision and would like to make a choice; he is also hoping for radical changes he cannot yet fathom.

He is smart and confident; his presence fills the room. Agile, sleek, seductive, he strolls in: an uneasy combination though, as tears could just erupt at any moment it seems. Subsequently, in the course of our meetings, they often will.

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Medium 9781780491103

The stolen girl

Touton-Victor, Patricia Karnac Books ePub

Going back several years, I had met them jointly as a couple. At first, I had heard how he described her as hard, unyielding. He wants her to mellow, to become more relaxed. Elegantly facing me, a bewildered, fragile, pleading woman, hoping to have her case considered. A dignified plea.

They had come together. Both dissatisfied, they were seeking guidance. How could their life with one another become harmonious? They both missed love.

When they had left, I remember wondering whether I would see them again. Wondering what drives us to make choices rooted in incompatibility? What had these two individuals seen in one another to imagine the possibility of parenthood together? Although they had both wanted their child, they must have asked themselves very different questions, possibly conflicting questions, or no questions at all, at the onset.

Only she came back.

“Once a week, I could see you once a week, no more; this is as much as I can bear,” she had declared, and we started meeting regularly, without fail, for several years.

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