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Chapter Twenty-One

Lloyd, Naomi Karnac Books ePub

I am certain that I had no concept of the challenges about to confront us in this final stage—rather, my mind was full of the positive prospect of what we might achieve. In this spirit of optimism, I really did believe that any serious threats to our therapeutic relationship were a thing of the past.

No doubt Freud would have pronounced this as “wish-fulfilment”, but now a vitally new ingredient had been thrown into the melting pot: the subject of Anna's retirement. Though I tried to convince myself that it was sufficiently distant not to evoke concern, my unconscious refused to allow me to dismiss its significance so lightly. With no choice about prolonging my analysis beyond a three-year period, there was a finite quality to our relationship—and the anxiety this engendered surfaced almost instantly in a disturbing dream:

My daughter Rebecca was a bereavement counsellor. She asked Patrick and me to look after her children while she was working. We said we would take them to the park, and Rebecca agreed to meet us there after work.

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Chapter Six

Lloyd, Naomi Karnac Books ePub

The birds are special and different.

They were the first to be born.

They fly together and touch together

For a few brief, exhilarating moments.

But the image is not reality…

Nothing is really forever,

And when they have attained their object

They, too, must fly separately

And survive.

Butterflies and birds,

Separate and together;

Learning that to need

Is not necessarily to be wanting.

Give me what I need.

Then I will be empowered to fly alone

And achieve. A whole world will be within my grasp.

An important aspect of this undertaking was that it should not be shrouded in shameful secrecy. I needed to have the courage to show my first tattoo to the world—most significantly to my family and those closest to me. Amongst that number I now included Anna, and perhaps predictably, I needed her to be the first person to bear witness to it.

In the last few months of our work together, Anna allowed me to record her dramatic recollection of that session seven years earlier, in which I revealed my first tattoo to her. What intrigued me about her account was the marked difference between the emotional impact of this event on each of us at that time. Anna's ability to contain my painful feelings could still mislead me into underestimating the intense impact it could have on her. I simply trusted in her strength to “manage everything”, with little concept of the heavy emotional demands I was making on her. Though I still didn't understand where this strength came from, I now firmly believed that it originated from a compassionate concern for me. But conflicting feelings towards Anna continued to battle in my deeply troubled internal world.

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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Lloyd, Naomi Karnac Books PDF

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

S

hortly after my return to Anna I watched a documentary on the

1944 Warsaw Uprising. This depicted how, as the Nazis began to take over the city, people tried to escape by crawling through the sewers to reach unoccupied areas. The documentary film included original footage portraying this, as well as interviews with survivors of the horrifying mass slaughter of those two months. I found it deeply disturbing, and though I have no recollection of discussing with Anna any possible connection with my collective unconscious memory, I believe it was this that provoked another disturbing dream:

I have a strong sense of danger. Something threatening is happening in the world around me but I’m not sure what it is.

I need to go to my mother who lives in a house in the remote countryside, but for some reason I know I can’t go there by road.

I have to find a ‘secret’ way of getting there unseen.

I find myself crawling through a long, dark tunnel which I believe will lead me to my mother’s house. It is tiled and the walls are wet and wide, like a sewer pipe. I know I’m getting near the end of the tunnel but there is no light. Suddenly I reach the exit and realise that

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Chapter Fourteen

Lloyd, Naomi Karnac Books ePub

I found myself alone in a car in a strange part of London. The car was hired and I was very worried about damaging it. I had been driving for hours, getting increasingly lost. Suddenly I saw a small hotel down a side street. I decided to stop and ask for help. A man and a woman were at the reception desk. I could smell soup and suddenly realised how hungry and thirsty I was. When I started to speak I had almost lost my voice. I told them I was lost, and trying to get home across London. They were very helpful and said they would get a map. I commented on how nice the soup smelled, and asked if I could have some because I was so hungry. The woman brought me a bowl of soup. Sitting in the hotel with two other people made me less frightened. The man then produced a map, but neither of them knew how to direct me home because they didn't know my part of London. I looked at the map and saw a road which I thought would lead me home. I left the hotel, and by now it was dark. When I returned to the car, I saw that someone had driven into it and damaged it. I tried not to worry about it, as I was more concerned to find my way home. I drove off and thought I had found the road which would lead me home, but after a long drive I found myself in a dead end—by some sort of marina. It was very dark and the open space scared me. I saw a small office which was brightly lit, and decided to ask for help. As I left the car, two young boys appeared and started to follow me into the office. There was no-one else around. I ignored them and decided to phone Patrick. The boys came over to me. I suddenly thought that they might help me find my way, and decided to ask for their help…but then I woke up.

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CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Lloyd, Naomi Karnac Books PDF

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

A

s Anna would later remind me, the events of summer 2007 would continue to reverberate through the months ahead.

Patrick and I planned to visit Lake Como in Italy, and to stay at a hotel in Bellagio with a view overlooking the lake. In order to maximise on this beautiful location we had booked a room with a large terrace, in anticipation of enjoyable sunny hours spent basking in our private view of the glorious scenery.

Little had we imagined that during our two week stay, the sun would only emerge briefly and deceptively in the morning. Along with the many other hopeful visitors, we would empty out of our hotel into the colourful streets of the little town. But by late morning, perhaps while enjoying a leisurely cappuccino in one of the inviting cafés bordering the lake, this sunlit scene would eerily transform itself in a matter of minutes into something more reminiscent of the Day of Judgement.

While visitors hurried back to their hotels in an effort to avoid the

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